The intersection of rediscovering my roots and redefining my parenting journey

Over the past years I've been sharing my learnings while navigating motherhood, leadership and a cross-cultural identity.

Now, I have reached an intersection. Time for some new writing.

Our role as parents

Recently I realized that entering new life phases often goes hand in hand with a re-assessment of your identity. This can lead to a deeper connection with your cultural roots and help articulate what part of you, you'd want to share with others.

Initially this was an insight into how cultural values and habits are passed down, but it became clear to me that with social and behavioral patterns the same applies. Looking into your roots when becoming a parent is a very sensible thing to do. Anyone with a cross-cultural background or partner must have discussed which language or languages to use and which traditions to celebrate. But it's not just the cultural roots - it's also the roots of our behavior that deserve attention.

The stakes couldn't be higher. Becoming a parent turns you into the most important leader and role model there is - one for your children. What you do and how you do it becomes their main reference of what being human means. And I think we all want to raise happy and healthy humans.

Those that came before us

Sometimes - or maybe even often - behaviors cannot be separated from someone's cultural history. I'm certain the experience as a refugee or otherwise forcedly migrated person has impacted the way my parents raised me.

I suspect there's one factor around the concept of freedom - or lack of it - that plays a key role. A spectrum where at one extreme you'd have the mindset of finally living in freedom and wanting to take advantage of all possibilities. On the other side, you focus on survival and live in the anxiety of losing everything again.

My husband and I come from a similar cultural background, but we were raised on opposite sides of this spectrum. This difference didn't fully surface until we became parents ourselves. And it's of course not the only dynamic at play.

Discussing how to raise our kids naturally brings up memories of how we were raised and how we perceive our parents. For me, it strengthened my appreciation and admiration towards my mother. Her resilience in the light of her lived experiences - growing up during wartime, losing her dad at a very young age, and fleeing to a completely new country and culture in early adulthood. Her focus for us to discover and enjoy new experiences is in stark contrast to my husband's childhood revolving around hard work and discipline.

Either way, raising kids is hard even without your own trauma. It's not entirely surprising that certain coping mechanisms and behavioral patterns arise and seep into the way you parent. But that means the impact of intergenerational trauma can become very real, manifesting in ways we do not even recognize. Sometimes it takes a small voice to make us aware.

Challenge our roots for our children

Any parent with a toddler knows kids can exhibit certain behavior that will trigger you to lose your cool. If your child has a strong mind and voice, they will then tell you that your behavior isn't a proper response - "You don't have to yell at me like that" or "Why are you acting angry with me?" And sometimes that honest feedback from a three-year-old is exactly what you need.

It was certainly what my husband needed. Our daughter's questions triggered his wish to understand the relationship with his late dad and his strict upbringing. Children have this ability to hold up a mirror to our unconscious patterns, forcing us to confront behaviors we might have otherwise accepted as just how things are.

I have peace with the idea that parents did everything they could with what they knew at that time. Our parents' generation often didn't have access to the psychological insights, parenting resources, or even the luxury of introspection that we have today.

But for the benefit of personal healing and our children's wellbeing, we should learn to understand and challenge inherited behaviors that no longer serve us - or them.

A whole human being, a whole parent

As probably most dads out there, my husband's desire to be the best dad and husband for his family is the main driver for this journey to redefine himself as a parent.

Seeing him and other millennial dads spending more time with their kids than previous generations did makes me hopeful. These fathers are present not just physically, but emotionally. Our girls get to observe their dad as a full human being, learning and leading with vulnerability and empathy. That's bound to also tackle some of the toxic masculinity that previous generations unconsciously perpetuated.

Just the beginning

We're at the beginning of our relationship with our daughters and our development as parents, but this feels like a good start. The work of breaking intergenerational cycles isn't a destination. It's a messy ongoing process of awareness, compassion and decisions - that sometimes requires breaking through silence.

My husband and I are continuing this journey together, and taking a parallel path to specifically address the relationship with his father, who passed away over a decade ago after a battle with cancer. We know very little about his own experiences growing up, let alone how they formed him as a parent. But there are still people who, if willing to share, might bring us closer to new insights and maybe even towards understanding.

The intersection I mentioned at the beginning? It's the place where understanding our past helps shape our future - where honoring our roots doesn't mean being bound by all its patterns, but consciously choosing which to carry forward and which to leave behind. It's a continuous effort, but it's worth our commitment.

Start the conversation you have been putting off.